how long until i'm me again? or at the very least, feel like myself again? it's been four years and a couple of months since i had the first miscarriage. since then, i've had pbs and four more miscarriages.
most of the time, i feel like i'm just going through the motions of every day life, trying to pass as a living person and not someone dwelling on the losses. it's difficult not to dwell on the losses when they happen so close together. four of the five losses have been in the last year and a half.
i've had people ask if it's a fertility issue, autoimmune issue, etc. nobody knows. the doctors don't think it's a fertility issue, since i seem to be able to get pregnant without any problem. i just can't seem to keep the pregnancy past a few weeks. js and i have done all of the tests for the autoimmune issues and those all came back normal. the doctors can't seem to figure it out either. pbs is definitely our miracle!
i had one doctor actually say that it was just bad luck. i can't accept that because we do have pbs. (he's a healthy, happy, thriving three year old. rambunctious and stubborn, but i'm sure he gets that from his daddy. ;) just kidding! he gets a fair share of stubbornness from me as well.)
so this year i've decided that i'm going to try to relax more for myself and for my family. i need to take more time for myself and not always surround myself with js, pbs and other people. i think i need to let myself, mind, body and spirit, heal before i/we make any decisions or take any action one way or another. maybe then i will be me again, feel more like myself again.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
love...
since yesterday was valentine's day, it might be appropriate to write something about love. i love js and pbs with everything i am. i don't know what i would do without them.
at times i find myself not wanting to go on living because i'm so down from everyday life and other circumstances, but i know that i would never act on those feelings. i pray that God would take these discouraging thoughts away. i push them aside and decide to deal with them at a later time. so far, i'm not sure that i've actually dealt with them.
i really do love my life. i know it may not always sound like i do or that things aren't going my way but i really do love my life.
i love watching pbs grow into such the little charmer. although i'm a little nervous about what that will bring in his teenage years. i love watching him learn new things and listening to him form words, ideas and thoughts. he is so bright and always is learning, observing and soaking everything up just like a little sponge. i hope that the sponge never gets too full, that he will keep learning and soaking everything up always.
in the last couple of days, pbs has asked me a couple times if i would marry him. i have to smile and laugh a little at that, but i've told him that he has to talk to js about that. he asked js to marry him too. so cute and sweet!
life is all about love. we love our families, our friends, our jobs. sometimes there are actual objects that we love, but we call it sentimental value instead of love. i know that i'm more attached to people than i am to things and it's very difficult for me to watch someone who is more attached to objects than what really matters.
i love my family, immediate, extended and in-laws. it's often difficult to share that love from so many miles away but i feel it in my heart. i have many friends that i consider to be family. i love them all.
i hope that you had a wonderful valentine's day with your loved ones. love...
at times i find myself not wanting to go on living because i'm so down from everyday life and other circumstances, but i know that i would never act on those feelings. i pray that God would take these discouraging thoughts away. i push them aside and decide to deal with them at a later time. so far, i'm not sure that i've actually dealt with them.
i really do love my life. i know it may not always sound like i do or that things aren't going my way but i really do love my life.
i love watching pbs grow into such the little charmer. although i'm a little nervous about what that will bring in his teenage years. i love watching him learn new things and listening to him form words, ideas and thoughts. he is so bright and always is learning, observing and soaking everything up just like a little sponge. i hope that the sponge never gets too full, that he will keep learning and soaking everything up always.
in the last couple of days, pbs has asked me a couple times if i would marry him. i have to smile and laugh a little at that, but i've told him that he has to talk to js about that. he asked js to marry him too. so cute and sweet!
life is all about love. we love our families, our friends, our jobs. sometimes there are actual objects that we love, but we call it sentimental value instead of love. i know that i'm more attached to people than i am to things and it's very difficult for me to watch someone who is more attached to objects than what really matters.
i love my family, immediate, extended and in-laws. it's often difficult to share that love from so many miles away but i feel it in my heart. i have many friends that i consider to be family. i love them all.
i hope that you had a wonderful valentine's day with your loved ones. love...
vote for mary kay in the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival
as i've mentioned in a couple other posts, i started selling mary kay cosmetics this past july. it is really an awesome company because of the care and training they provide to their consultants. they want each of us to succeed in our own way. of course they are concerned with the numbers, they're a business. they are committed to empowering women of all ages, backgrounds, creeds, ethnicity.
we want to stop the violence and break the silence...
...domestic violence is the no. 1 cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44. these victims suffer emotionally too from depression, anxiety or social isolation. domestic abuse occurs to women of all ages, income levels and educational backgrounds.
the mary kay foundation has a campaign going on right now to help women who are in abusive relationships. this is called, "don't look away" text for help. the next couple of paragraphs are from the mary kay foundation website:
home should be a safe haven. unfortunately, thousands of homes are like war zones each day because of domestic violence.
we want to stop the violence and break the silence...
...domestic violence is the no. 1 cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44. these victims suffer emotionally too from depression, anxiety or social isolation. domestic abuse occurs to women of all ages, income levels and educational backgrounds.
(i took out some of the numbers and statistics, but you can find them here.)
10 warning signs of an abusive relationship
• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Making false accusations
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do
* these warning signs are provided by loveisrespect.org. discuss your options anonymously by sending the text “loveis” to 77054.
so here is my reason for posting all of this. (this is copied from the consultant website, intouch.)
the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival has begun, and the mary kay corporate social responsibility team needs your help!
the company has submitted a powerful short video that highlights mary kay inc.’s “don’t look away” text for help campaign. in support of this important initiative, mary kay inc. has donated $1 million to loveisrespect.org for this first ever nationwide text-for-help program for teens and young adults.
please submit your vote during the public voting period from feb. 14 – mar 1. the 10 companies with the most votes will advance. be sure to email the link to your friends and family and post it on social media. we need as many votes as possible to help move mary kay’s important video to the final round!
if you or anyone you know needs immediate help, call the national domestic violence hotline at (7233).
vote for mary kay in the 2013 corporate citizenship film festival!
(to vote go to www.bcccc.net. click on the conferences & events tab. then click on corporate citizenship conference in the pull down menu. on this page there is a menu on the left, click on 2013 film festival. this will take you to the voting page. the voting section is on the right hand side of the page. vote for mary kay! thanks!)
(to vote go to www.bcccc.net. click on the conferences & events tab. then click on corporate citizenship conference in the pull down menu. on this page there is a menu on the left, click on 2013 film festival. this will take you to the voting page. the voting section is on the right hand side of the page. vote for mary kay! thanks!)
Sunday, February 3, 2013
climbing out of the darkness
2013 has started off kind of in the dumps for us. we are hoping that things start looking up soon. january started out pretty good actually. then pbs got sick and decided to share with js and me. why is it so difficult for a three year old to share normally but then they have no problem sharing their sickness? a run to the er and everything magically returned to normal for about a week.
we then found out we were expecting again. every time we find this out, we're cautiously excited and slowly tell people and ask for prayers. when you've been through as many miscarriages as we have, it's hard to be excited and happy. we told our parents and a few people at church but that was it. i had some cramping and spotting at five weeks. my obgyn had me come in for a blood test. my hormone levels had dropped by half what they were a few days earlier. my body was waiting for that news from the doctor so that it could move forward in the process, i think. i started bleeding within a couple hours of getting the news from my doctor.
so now we're trying to climb out of this dark hole that we've been dropped into again. i don't wish this on anyone. five miscarriages, nobody should have to go through this without knowing why and getting answers. so far we don't know why and we don't have any answers. we've been tested for many different things that could possibly cause miscarriages but the tests have all come back normal. it's frustrating to say the least. i hope that we can climb out of the darkness and maybe even be a light for others. that's my wish for this year, to be a light for others even when i feel trapped and stuck by the darkness.
we then found out we were expecting again. every time we find this out, we're cautiously excited and slowly tell people and ask for prayers. when you've been through as many miscarriages as we have, it's hard to be excited and happy. we told our parents and a few people at church but that was it. i had some cramping and spotting at five weeks. my obgyn had me come in for a blood test. my hormone levels had dropped by half what they were a few days earlier. my body was waiting for that news from the doctor so that it could move forward in the process, i think. i started bleeding within a couple hours of getting the news from my doctor.
so now we're trying to climb out of this dark hole that we've been dropped into again. i don't wish this on anyone. five miscarriages, nobody should have to go through this without knowing why and getting answers. so far we don't know why and we don't have any answers. we've been tested for many different things that could possibly cause miscarriages but the tests have all come back normal. it's frustrating to say the least. i hope that we can climb out of the darkness and maybe even be a light for others. that's my wish for this year, to be a light for others even when i feel trapped and stuck by the darkness.
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