in a previous post i mentioned having had some issues during october this year. well, i think it's about time for me to talk, share, open up and breathe for a little bit.
in october, js and i experienced another miscarriage. it kind of feels like de ja vou or a really long, horrible dream that i cannot wake up from. today we began the process of trying to find out why this keeps happening. eventually we will probably try again but i don't think i'm ready yet. i'm not sure how much more i can take - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
i am so blessed to have js and pbs in my life. if/when this happens i seem to shut down for a while, want to curl up in a little ball and crawl into a hole and stay there forever. i know that i can't stay that way forever because i do have people who depend on me. i think i've just been going through the motions of every day life for the past several weeks. i want to be the best mommy and wife i can be for js and pbs, but i know i haven't been lately.
through our process of trying to figure out why, we will have blood tests, (several of which we had today), and visits to my obgyn and the high-risk doctors and whatever other tests may be needed. i know that i want answers but i'm also scared to know that i could be causing this to happen because of some undiscovered, underlying issue that we didn't know about. i guess that's what comes along with knowing.
pray for peace of mind, comfort in knowing and not knowing everything in His time. pray for strength, wisdom, understanding and grace as we find out or don't find out the answers to our questions. pray that we can lean on each other, but also find the strength we need within and from Him.
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