reflections

with all of the september 11 memorials, it's kind of hard not to think about life and where we've been over the past 10 years. on 9/11/01 i was getting ready to go to work at a department store when i saw what had happened. i had switched days with someone so they could go to the doctor. it had happened about an hour earlier since i was still living in the mid-west at that point. i turned on the tv to watch my morning regis and kelly and i couldn't believe what i saw. the second plane had just hit the second tower. i was glued to the tv.

i called my fiance, js (now husband), but he was in grad school and had class at that time. i called my mom. i normally called her at least once a day with wedding planning, but this day was different. normally we were happy and laughing. this day we were both in tears. she tried to calm me down but i don't think she was very successful.

i still had to go to work. the shopping mall was pretty deserted. mall security and management decided to close the mall for the rest of the day. i went home. i turned on the tv but couldn't watch anymore of the footage.

a friend and i went to a small italian restaurant in the middle of the afternoon. i forced myself to eat something. if i'm stressed or upset i completely lose my appetite. we were the only people there except for the staff. everybody seemed to be walking around in a fog. we drove by the wal-mart and a gas station. there was a run on gas. the lines at the gas station were so long. i don't think i've ever seen anything like that before.

that night we were celebrating js's birthday at his parents' house. there was a prayer service at church. i wanted to go because i knew people in nyc. i wasn't as familiar with the city as i am now and was scared that something had happened to them too. i  went to my brother's place and spent time with him.

i don't like remembering all of these details of that day. they are engraved on my brain and i am stuck with them. i wished that their was something i could do to help but knew there was nothing. i prayed. i was and am terrified that it could happen again. now even more so than then because of where we live. i know that i have to just live every day and not worry or dwell on what could happen.

why do these reflections hurt so much 10 years later?